Today is my birthday

Fun times towards tonight, but right now I am sending out resumes to listings on craigslist. It's kind of like rolling dice, except that I know that I'll never win Yahtzee because I'm not really exploring the options that most interest me. So it is more like unfolding the options of rolling the dice, like on a sheet of graph paper, and surveying the least appealing results, and the least threatening ones, then totally discounting the frequency range of the things that I see as most suiting my desires, and then making partial efforts at tweaking the throw. 

Basically I'm manipulating reality by lying to myself. I thought I'd never understand craps.

For the last few weeks Tyler and I had been struggling and worrying about the current population crunch in Austin. Then finally we found a place to live. Then I found gang tagging outside of the apartment door where we will be living. But it was kind of scribbly, so I'm thinking maybe it was just a kid. Otherwise I'll be trading penmanship skills for my life once they forcibly induct me into their gang. Which is fine though, because I'm sure that's what Jack Kerouac would do. And maybe it'll work out for me. After all, it could be the solution to this whole English major-- job existence thing. Maybe I could get to work designing some kind of meta-script for their tagging, putting subtle hints, arranging the flow of syllables in a concise and sharp manner to be easily dispersed from the end of a shoplifted spray can. Actually I've always kind of had this fantasy...

And Tyler and I have been spurting out ideas. One of the good things about living with the guy will be his fantastical optimism. I don't know what part of childhood, or genetics that came from, but it is this distinct vomiting of ideas that I've been stifling for a long time. Like, we actually do talk about making a short series of internet videos without even once admitting that we'd probably never get around to it. And who knows, maybe we will get around to it.

There have been a lot of those ideas lately. For sure it would be a quick way out of brain cells and exciting and fun too. 

But the difficult part is developing a style, without admitting that it is really a style that you have admitted as a personality type-- giving up the brain cells of your personality for a year or two because of a failed experiment with "style" that you lost track of and let take over your relationships, interests, mannerisms and all that manner of things, also just to prove the point that we can melt ways of being on a dime because it is all multifarious spatial reconstructible anyways so why not play around with the interface. Dangerous games.

Like another dangerous game I was talking about with some friends the other night over beers. Depression. Oh and the creativity that can come out of that awful self indulgence. So it got me thinking, what about trying to dip back down into that to see what I cold pull up. Sounds like playing with fire, except that instead of getting burned I'd just loose my fucking mind and maybe end up killing myself. Needless to say I'm too scared to try it. But I do also have this masochistic impulse to just try things like that, just to see what would happen. So maybe I'll get into it. If I do I can almost guarantee way more posts on this thing. I'm not counting on it though.

Things to do

1. post more. need to construct an information equivalent of my life.

2. get to know the internet better. I want to be able to hyperlink stuff to this page

3.  start making more stuff out of the internet. I want to hyperlink my stuff to this page.

4. Figure out what is better.

     a. When I find a style

          i. do I want one

          ii. Should I be genuine

          iii. or would a style be a better way to process ideas and observations so that they have some kind of distance from myself? Actually I think there is something to that. 

          iv. So, the process is: make an observation, come up with an idea that I want to write down, think about it, and then when  I put it out into the public send it through this style, or persona first in order to prepare it. The persona would only be for producing things aimed at mass appeal, but would be convincing enough as to encompass an entire personality-- style should be continuous and unbroken, but not obviously contrived. As in, honesty is things that you write to yourself, but the style are free from those revelations and reminders and trained entirely on an audience, external.

          v. So nothing else that I write should appear this way. Insights and personals are notes that should be put aside for reference, but no-one else wants to read them without them being disguised in a style. 

          vi. Unless that is my style. And that is something that I should explore, what will my style look like?