How do you record parts of your life? I think that it is a good idea to put down in words some of the things that I am doing so that I might possibly come back to them later and remember who I was, where I was and what I was doing. That's what I was thinking about in the shower this morning. Earlier this week I was thinking about the importance of self-awareness, thinking about all of that who where what stuff, just to make sure that I know what I am doing with my life, because it's easy to forget, to do things constantly with no idea of the consequences of those actions on myself or my environment.

Now I am substitute teaching in an elementary school special education classroom. I work with my aunt. I don't know if this is what I want to do for my employment. If I am going to be forced into spending the majority of my time at some form of employment, I would want that the employment be some facet of my personal mission. It is too difficult to think that I can go to work, spend all day making money, and then come home and pursue this other interest. In order for it to be effective the two must be combined. There is no point in doing anything that you do not commit your entire self to. I will only be successful at anything if that is the situation. Currently I am not doing that full commitment thing with my employment. Everything that I have created about that employment is set as a barrier to keep me from committing. There is a method. Less comittment allows for me to disengage from that activity, should I find some other form of work that I wish to engage myself in. But as a base level of engagement, should I decide to commit myself to this work completely, the steps are laid out before me, and it should follow with relative ease into that career. I am unsatisfied with making the commitment right now, because I arrived at the job passively. This was to be work which would provide me with income while I sought another label for myself. If I am to commit, then I want to take an active role in deciding, and throwing myself into the work with my body and my intellect. Either way is acceptable too me, but the middle ground where I am in is unacceptable. Further, this work is rather taxing. I come home exhausted, and laziness robs me of the conviction to pursue other interests. It will take an effort from me to make a push in either direction. Scholarship is one area of interest, as is writing on subjects that interest me. These are the focuses that I am afraid I would give my half-attention to after a full day of work, should I fall into some other realm of work. If I went into the field of special education, I would need to manipulate my employment so that it would incorporate these two compulsions. Or, I could find some other field of interest which would generate income and allow me to satisfy those compulsions.

This is my dilemma right now. Not very dire, but pertinent, none the less.

Other states of me: I just moved in with my girlfriend. It is good. We live in a house with my brother and a girl we met off the internet named Krista. We have a compost pile in the backyard and I have bookshelves for all of my books. Victoria are still sorting through all of the things that we need to organize. We are deciding on the different purchases that we need to make. She is going to Europe this summer, but I will not be joining her because I will not be able to amass the appropriate funds. This does not please me. She does not think that she will go to Europe again for a long time after this and I want to be there for it when she does. I think that I would like the continent very much. I have only been to the islands. I still watch old movies and fantasize about moving there. I  am 22 years old right now. It is ok to dream and think that it is a possibility. I tell myself that it is important to make the distinction, when I reach it, of when it is not ok to dream like that anymore. At a certain age the idea of leaving to live the life like that will be juvenile fantasy, suited for one of my age and some younger still. I do not know what that age is.

Books to read: i don't want to do this right now.